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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25426018">Conscience Doth Make Cowards Of Us All</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shenandoah76209/pseuds/Shenandoah76209'>Shenandoah76209</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Chains [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Firefly, Pitch Black (2000), Riddick (2013), Serenity (2005), The Chronicles of Riddick Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:47:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,329</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25426018</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shenandoah76209/pseuds/Shenandoah76209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She's heard bits and pieces.  Seen more in his mind.  But Riddick hasn't ever told her the entire story of how he began to rejoin the human race. And all that happened after.  River thinks it's about time he did.  Time to forgive himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Richard B. Riddick/River Tam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Chains [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/411024</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Conscience Doth Make Cowards Of Us All</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>But that the dread of something after death,<br/>The undiscovered country from whose bourn<br/>No traveler returns, puzzles the will<br/>And makes us rather bear those ills we have<br/>Than fly to others that we know not of?<br/>Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,<br/>And thus the native hue of resolution<br/>Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,<br/>And enterprises of great pith and moment<br/>With this regard their currents turn awry,<br/>--Hamlet – William Shakespeare</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She was quiet, not sleeping, not in that wonderful haze of pleasure, or the aftermath of ecstasy’s storm. When she got quiet it always put a slight edge on his thoughts. Not that he hadn’t exhausted her enough to make her wordless or she was so overwhelmed with bliss that she couldn’t think much less speak.</p><p>This was after. After they’d both caught their breath. After their brains had begun to work again. That soft languorous quilt of sated desires and affection that covered them both began to thin and logic began to creep back in. Those soft times when he held her, inhaled her scent and skimmed his hands over that delicate skin, thinking of how grateful he was for her, how much he loved her.</p><p>His woman’s brain clicked on. And damn if normally that wasn’t the sexiest thing about her. Right up there with that mouth, those legs and those beautiful tits. He figured it was a three-way tie for what he loved most, her heart, her brain or that body that kept him panting. But now… he had the feeling that River’s brain clicking on would not be the best thing for him.</p><p>“Killed everything I ever knew,” Kitten murmured. An echo of some of the first words she’d spoken to him. Some of the first words not heard by mercs. The beginning of that fragile new partnership. “He has never spoken of them. Spoke of the Necros, of mercs, of Furya, even Hades if briefly, but not of his lost. <em>Wǒ xiǎng mèi ěr mèixīn biàn shítou</em>.”</p><p>“Not easy to talk about,” He admitted. “Part of why I was so twisted up about you, feeling for you, I think.” Hell, he knew that was part of his problem. He was so screwed in the head it would take a century of head shrinking to fix what was wrong with him. He had tried to turn himself cold and unfeeling. Not that it had worked very well.</p><p>“He is not so terribly twisted as that,” Kitten shook her head. “Considering his past.”</p><p>She was right about that. He’d done some reading about babies and kids and what could happen to their emotional and moral development when no one gave them any affection and attention. They’d grow up like him, or worse, unconcerned with anyone in the ‘verse but themselves. He’d come damn close to sociopath when he’d broken those hand lights on Hades and began to prep the ship for departure without the other three.</p><p>Carolyn had gotten through to him. And then Abu later on. He’d tried to rejoin the human race. For all the good it did them.</p><p>“Never speaks of the lost. Of Hades and what happened there and after, how he came to rule the Necromongers,” Kitten murmured. “He knows all of her sorrows, held her as she wept.”</p><p>Yeah, put like that it seemed a bit uneven, and that inequality would chafe at her, at this new more profound understanding of what they were to each other. It bugged him some too now that he thought about it. He just hated the idea of losing control like that. Or getting so worked up the Wrath started to do its thing. He’d told her some of it. She knew a lot more. But the whole thing? All at once? Something in him always shied away from it.</p><p>“Worries he will look weak in front of her?” Oh… she had gotten that sardonic edge to her tone, nice little reminder that he’d gotten on his knees for her, metaphorically and literally, at least once before. Normally he loved that tone. Sarcastic Kitten could be funny as hell. Now… Yeah, if she were any other woman she’d have his balls in her purse. Of course, if she were any other woman and wanted that he wouldn’t be so stupid in love with her.</p><p>“I don’t like how it feels,” He admitted finally. No point in hiding it. Reader, genius and hell she just fucking knew him too well. “When I think about it, talk about it…”</p><p>“Pain,” Kitten’s soft lips rubbed over his cheek. “Sorrows shared are sorrows halved,” Gentle hands stroked the skin of his chest and shoulders. “Between the two of us. For no one else to hear but Dog, and he will not speak.”</p><p>She had seemed if not happier, lighter, once she’d told him the entirety of what had happened to <em>Serenity</em> and Simon after that disastrous chance meeting with Reynolds and Washburne at Badger’s den. And she deserved to know, not just pick up random clues from his thoughts.</p><p>“Billy Johns caught up with me in the Conga systems,” He began the bloody tale of how he’d ended up on the <em>Hunter Gratzner</em>. How he’d met Jack, Abu, Carolyn and all the rest. His escape and recapture. And the discovery that the planet they were on was a potential meat grinder of a SNAFU.</p><p>It wasn’t easy, admitting what a prick he’d been. How he’d been perfectly at ease with leaving two innocents and one not so innocent to die from starvation or the monsters the planet bred. And then how he’d given in, accepted Carolyn’s challenge and she’d died saving him. That was what killed him. He would have cheerfully left all them to die but she’d gotten killed saving him. The one person on that whole rock besides Johns who’d deserved the fate awaiting them.</p><p>Grimly he recounted getting Jack and Abu off the planet and their subsequent capture by the <em>Kublai Khan</em>. That huge mess, one bloody kill after another, monsters worse than he was like statues and other monsters roaming through the ship to catch all of them. And Jack. Jack taking her first life to save him.</p><p>“Abu…he laid a helluva guilt trip on me, about how she’d become like me, a killer, a monster, if I didn’t let him take her to Helion Prime to be raised,” Riddick explained. “Part of me thought he was right. The last thing I wanted was for her to be like me. But the other part… she was already like me. Obviously on her own at a young age. Ready to do damn near anything to survive.”</p><p>“Would she have survived if she’d gone with you instead of the Imam?” Kitten’s soft voice, cutting right to the heart of it.</p><p>“I don’t know,” He shook his head. “She was so damn small. Traumatized. She worshipped me and that wasn’t exactly a good healthy thing you know?” He thought about it some more, the planet that he’d hid out on, that ball of ice where he’d spent five years trying to keep mercs away from Jack and Abu. “I don’t know what she’d have turned into if she’d come with me. But I would have killed anyone who tried to hurt her.”</p><p>“But you decided Abu was right, that she should have a chance in the light,” Kitten shifted, propping her head up on his chest to look at him. “After that planet full of darkness, the light would be safe.”</p><p>“Yeah, safe,” Riddick sighed. “I really wanted her safe. Maybe she could put me and killing and that planet behind her and have a normal life. Or close to it.” His jaw clenched, “I should’ve known better.”</p><p>“What happened,” His woman prompted him and the whole fucked up sordid story spilled out. Jack going after him, signing with mercs, slaved out, flipped to ‘Golls and becoming a murderer just like him. Toombs and his crew. And the price on his head. Abu had spilled the beans that Riddick was alive and where he was to an Elemental. So he had mercs on his neck again, a prophecy and Jack stuck in Crematoria.</p><p>“And then the Necromongers came and I’ll be fucked if that wasn’t even more of a mess,” He swallowed hard against his tight throat as he explained how Helion Prime had been sacked, burned, its people converted or killed. How Abu had been killed despite everything Riddick had done trying to prevent it.</p><p>Revenge. Plain and simple, that’s why he’d gone after the fucker with the knife in his back. Drawn Zhylaw’s attention with his skills and attitude. And learned what he was. Furyan.</p><p>Running, fighting, more running. A child. Toombs. A ride to Crematoria fitted in nicely with his plans. And then… Jack. The child he’d known grown to a twisted, dangerous, rage-filled woman. Attracted to her and repulsed at the same time. Kyra. Hellhounds. Death by teacup.</p><p>“She fought like… close to your style,” Riddick pushed himself to confess. “I wanted freedom. But I wanted her too. Wanted to see what we could be. And I hated what she’d turned into. She’d always been a fighter. But she’d been through so much hell. Worse than me in some ways. Turned into a victim because of her sex. She loved me and hated me, worshipped me and reviled me. Maybe because of that I wanted to save her as much as I could. Prove that I was good for something. Prove she could trust me again.”</p><p>He knew Kitten had seen Kyra in his thoughts. Knew the exquisite combination of beauty and love and hate that had been her face and eyes. How much he’d loved the little girl he’d left in the light. How much he hated and desired what she’d become. A survivor like him. Willing to leave him on the tarmac and take her chances with the Necros rather than stay with him. One pace. Mine.</p><p>He’d loved Jack/Kyra as much as he’d ever loved anything in his life back then. He didn’t really know if it was because she was the last person he knew, the last one from that planet. If she was his token to prove to Carolyn that he had become human. When he’d seen her turn into a Necro he still hadn’t lost hope.</p><p>But Zhylaw had killed her. And he’d killed Zhylaw. The king is dead. Long live the king. At least he thought that’s how the old saying went. His heart had turned to ashes in his chest. What was the point of it all? Everything he’d done. For what? For the only people he cared about in the entire fucking ‘verse to get killed? Why had he even tried?</p><p>And he’d buried himself in women and wine and excess until he’d gotten soft and dull and perilously close to civilized. Assassins came just often enough to keep his guard up. But he hadn’t mourned. He’d sealed away any true feeling. Any tender emotion. And decided to look for home.</p><p>Not Furya. Figuring out what he’d done to himself in his stupidity. And Her.</p><p>His saving grace.</p><p>The woman who’d showed him he could be more than what he had been.</p><p>Kitten. Who’d exposed all his weak spots. And when he’d hurt her, shown him he could be forgiven.</p><p>New word. Forgiveness. But she thought he was worthy of it.</p><p>Damned if that thought didn’t tighten his throat up just as bad as the whole mess he’d just confessed.</p><p>He’d managed to keep from completely losing control over his voice. Yeah, his throat had tightened up. He’d had to take a couple of deep breaths and inhale Kitten’s scent. Remind himself of where and when he was. At least he hadn’t broken down and sobbed like a baby.</p><p>Kitten’s slender fingers on his cheeks, the corners of his eyes. Gentle kisses from those soft lips and her body straddling his. Tears on her cheeks. Mourning. Shedding the tears he couldn’t. “Fuckin’ love you Kitten,” He forced the words past his tight throat and pulled her close, pressing his face into her hair. Deep, harsh breaths, to combat the aching in his chest and throat and stinging eyes.</p><p>That voice, sorrow and love entwined, “<em>Wǒ duì nǐ de sǔn shī biǎo shì āi dào qīn 'ài</em>.”</p><hr/><p>River smiled as Riddick finally slept. Her big man hadn’t really wanted to have this talk. Had done everything possible to avoid it, kissing her and employing every sensual art he knew to distract her from bringing up this topic. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know about his past. Things he’d mentioned, things she’d seen. Random discussions about places they’d been, things they’d done. But the entire tale, spun out all at once, forcing him to remember and experience those emotions. He’d never done that. He’d never truly been able to mourn his dead. Buried the grief and pain and loss. He’d tried to be <em>tiě shí xīn cháng</em> but it wasn’t in him truly.</p><p>He still liked to avoid pain whenever it was possible. But he was finally accepting that pain was, as Carolyn put it, part of the price of rejoining the human race. And he’d realized that if he truly trusted her with everything then he could trust her with this. That vulnerable part of him that would always mourn the people he couldn’t save. Maybe now, he’d begin to forgive himself those failures.</p><p>Maybe now he’d be ready to truly listen to her when she told him the truth. He’d been turning a question over in his mind. Uncertain. Worried asking would result in trouble. Or more pain. She’d been hinting to him that he didn’t have anything to worry over but he hadn’t understood. Now that he’d trusted her to help him deal with his losses, maybe he’d trust that he could ask for what he wanted, what he needed.</p><p>Her wonderful, silly, sweet big man, perfect <em>bàng jiār</em>. He had no idea. She’d marry him the day he asked her. “<em>Wǒ shì nǐ de, nǐ shì wǒ de, yǒng yuǎn hǎi kū shí làn</em>, I promise."</p><p>Then again, he was stubborn about believing he didn’t deserve nice things. Maybe she should just tell him. She could end up waiting another year for him to get the nerve to ask.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author's Note: Just a little thing that crossed my mind. River knows plenty about his past but he's never out right told her about it. I've said they talked about his past but to my mind, unless he was pressed, Riddick wouldn't sit down and tell her his screwed up life story from start to finish. His mentality has always been that if you can't change it why dwell on it. Of course, Riddick has never been the most emotionally healthy individual either. So I figured River would push him until he caved and actually told her the whole thing. Including how he'd felt about Jack/Kyra. How twisted up he was over her. Lancing that wound would go a long way towards helping him settle into his life with River emotionally.</p><p>Chinese Translations:</p><p>Wǒ xiǎng mèi ěr mèixīn biàn shítou (I will close my ears and my heart and I will be a stone)</p><p>Wǒ duì nǐ de sǔn shī biǎo shì āi dào (my condolences for your loss/ I mourn your loss) </p><p>qīn 'ài (dear / beloved / darling).</p><p>tiě shí xīn cháng (to have a heart of stone / hard-hearted / unfeeling)</p><p>bàng jiār (lover / partner)</p><p>Wǒ shì nǐ de, nǐ shì wǒ de, yǒng yuǎn (I am yours, you are mine, forever) </p><p>hǎi kū shí làn (lit. when the seas run dry and the stones go soft / forever / 'till the end of time)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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